The Food Market

I try to write funny things now and then. It’s a way to take a break, to finish something short (sense of accomplishment and finality), and to try to make someone laugh. This one got rejected, and so leaving this here. (One of these just opened behind our house).

Something Has Gone Awry with the Vendor-selection Process at The Food Market

Seth Sawyers

Welcome to The Food Market, the hottest thing in town, a former auto-body shop that’s been transformed into a dining destination where top local chefs have brought their adventurous ideas together under one roof. This is Chet Reynolds from the WTZX City Team and I’m excited to take you on a behind-the-scenes tour. Let’s start with this gentleman right here. What inventive culinary ideas do you have up your sleeve?

Vendor 1: I make bologna sandwiches.

Chet Reynolds: That’s so interesting! So, these sandwiches are a nod to the school cafeteria lunches of your youth?

Vendor 1: It’s bologna on white bread.

Chet: How nostalgic!

Vendor 1: And there’s some mayonnaise on there.

Chet: Fantastic. Moving right along. What do we have here? A nice young woman offering up what I’m guessing is hibiscus tea, perhaps with some agave syrup over ice?

Vendor 2: It’s red drink.

Chet: How delightfully simple! On a hot day like today, this must really hit the spot! Can we try some?

Vendor 2: That’ll be a dollar. If you just want a cup of ice that’s 10 cents.

Chet: Well, I don’t seem to have any—

Vendor 2: Beat it, dickjob.

Chet: OK. What do we have over here?

Vendor 3: I got some boiled carrots.

Chet: OK. And you, right over here, ma’am?

Vendor 4: Microwaved hot dogs.

Chet: Goodness. Let’s try you, sir.

Vendor 5: Instant mashed potato mix.

Chet: I was not expecting that. And you, sir.

Vendor 6: Loose Fritos that you grab with your hands out of this plastic tub.

Chet: My! I was not expecting any of this. Let’s move over to the other side of the building, shall we? Oh, oysters! Wonderful. Ma’am, where are these farmed?

Vendor: My cousin gets them down by the pier by the old battery plant.

Chet: Oh, my. And you, sir. What are you selling?

Man: I don’t work here but I could get you a phone charger.

Chet: Hey, that’s my phone charger!

Man: Two bucks.

Chet: I will not be paying for my own—

Man: I got some VHS tapes in my car. They’re not blank but they still work.

Chet: Well, this is turning into something, isn’t it. No, wait. I think I finally see what all the fuss is about, right over there. Ma’am, what is it you’re offering up today?

Vendor 6: These are locally sourced—

Chet: Good!

Vendor 7: —artisinally packaged—

Chet: Wonderful!

Vendor 7: —Ziploc bags of hand soap from the waiting room at the hospital.

Chet: Oh, boy. We’re done here.

Vendor 7: It smells like Jolly Ranchers.