Seth Sawyers

Writer

What Your Favorite Former Secretary of the Interior Says about Your Favorite Cocktail

 

Thomas Ewing (the first Secretary, 1849-50); gin and tonic

  • “Pedestrian. Like drinking a sheaf of unlined paper.”

Alexander H.H. Stewart (1850-53); Manhattan

  • “A business Venture once demanded I visit the namesake Island in the great Harbor and there I witnessed a most stirring Sermon.”

Orville H. Browning (1866-69); Campari and soda

  • “We did not have this libation during the Black Hawk War.”

Zachariah Chandler (1875-77); dry martini

  • “Fucking tight, son.”

Lucius Q.C. Lamar II (1885-88); Moscow mule

  • “Dear Sirs. I hasten to proclaim that I possess insufficient time to attend to the addressing of such matters. Sincerely, Lucius Q.C. Lamar II, Secretary of the Interior.”

Hubert Work (1923-28); whiskey and soda

  • “Never touch the stuff. To relax, I prefer The Evening News-Courier, a fire in the hearth, and a glass of warm milk with a dash of Sullivan’s Head Ache & Deep Sleeping & All-over Discomforts Tonic.”

Douglas McKay (1953-56); amaretto sour

  • “I got zany on these one weekend on the Oregon coast. I think I made love with a man.”

Thomas S. Kleppe (1975-77); Jägerbomb

  • “I had one of these. It was about two minutes ago. I’d now like to fight or vomit.”

Manuel Lujan, Jr. (1989-93); screwdriver

  • “One part vodka, two parts orange juice, eight hundred fourteen parts go fuck yourself.”

Sally Jewel (2013-2017); old fashioned

  • “I like these after a long day of masturbating to my favorite national parks. Lately what’s been doing it for me is Wrangell-St. Elias. If I’m in a rush I go with the usual: Big Bend.”

Ryan Zinke (2017-present); rum and Coke

  • “Fake drink with a mixer from a failing company. SAD.”

The Food Market

I try to write funny things now and then. It’s a way to take a break, to finish something short (sense of accomplishment and finality), and to try to make someone laugh. This one got rejected, and so leaving this here. (One of these just opened behind our house).

Something Has Gone Awry with the Vendor-selection Process at The Food Market

Seth Sawyers

Welcome to The Food Market, the hottest thing in town, a former auto-body shop that’s been transformed into a dining destination where top local chefs have brought their adventurous ideas together under one roof. This is Chet Reynolds from the WTZX City Team and I’m excited to take you on a behind-the-scenes tour. Let’s start with this gentleman right here. What inventive culinary ideas do you have up your sleeve?

Vendor 1: I make bologna sandwiches.

Chet Reynolds: That’s so interesting! So, these sandwiches are a nod to the school cafeteria lunches of your youth?

Vendor 1: It’s bologna on white bread.

Chet: How nostalgic!

Vendor 1: And there’s some mayonnaise on there.

Chet: Fantastic. Moving right along. What do we have here? A nice young woman offering up what I’m guessing is hibiscus tea, perhaps with some agave syrup over ice?

Vendor 2: It’s red drink.

Chet: How delightfully simple! On a hot day like today, this must really hit the spot! Can we try some?

Vendor 2: That’ll be a dollar. If you just want a cup of ice that’s 10 cents.

Chet: Well, I don’t seem to have any—

Vendor 2: Beat it, dickjob.

Chet: OK. What do we have over here?

Vendor 3: I got some boiled carrots.

Chet: OK. And you, right over here, ma’am?

Vendor 4: Microwaved hot dogs.

Chet: Goodness. Let’s try you, sir.

Vendor 5: Instant mashed potato mix.

Chet: I was not expecting that. And you, sir.

Vendor 6: Loose Fritos that you grab with your hands out of this plastic tub.

Chet: My! I was not expecting any of this. Let’s move over to the other side of the building, shall we? Oh, oysters! Wonderful. Ma’am, where are these farmed?

Vendor: My cousin gets them down by the pier by the old battery plant.

Chet: Oh, my. And you, sir. What are you selling?

Man: I don’t work here but I could get you a phone charger.

Chet: Hey, that’s my phone charger!

Man: Two bucks.

Chet: I will not be paying for my own—

Man: I got some VHS tapes in my car. They’re not blank but they still work.

Chet: Well, this is turning into something, isn’t it. No, wait. I think I finally see what all the fuss is about, right over there. Ma’am, what is it you’re offering up today?

Vendor 6: These are locally sourced—

Chet: Good!

Vendor 7: —artisinally packaged—

Chet: Wonderful!

Vendor 7: —Ziploc bags of hand soap from the waiting room at the hospital.

Chet: Oh, boy. We’re done here.

Vendor 7: It smells like Jolly Ranchers.

It never goes away

A lot of writers, actors, directors, in interviews you’ll hear them say something along the lines of: “I’m just waiting for everyone to find out that I’m a fraud.” Last night’s dream was especially this, for any writer. It’s a high-level fiction workshop. The teacher, a writer of highly literary novels that have never sold well (and maybe he hadn’t published on in a while), goes through his critiques of two other writers’ work. The critiques are pointed but not devastating. And then he gets to me.

It is devastating. He asks where I grew up. I say “western Maryland” and on the chalkboard, he writes “Rural concerns.” Then he asks, not really me but instead the class, “Mr. Sawyers, do you have any concrete plans to actually step away from the bus stop and answer any real questions?”

So it’s always there, the doubt. I’ve got to assume it won’t ever go away.

Writing a novel, part 437

I have been lax in writing little things here and there about this novel that’s now in its fourth year. For many reasons, but mostly because it’s all I can do to try to write the thing itself and also because I’m so new to it and am sf2750425601eb4b5d8317efec99159ddo unsure about so many things that who am I to profess about this sweet, difficult sport?

But I can say one thing for sure, and that is that I’m almost certainly getting better at it. I’m basically teaching myself how to do it, making tons of mistakes, some of them huge mistakes, and am learning mostly by reading books as I go and by trial and error writ large.

I’ll try to write more about it, but I can say a few things.

  1. It’s hard, and it takes a lot of words and sentences and paragraphs to make a novel.
  2. The kind of story I’m trying to write–half literary, half story about two people fucking up and meeting each other and fucking up some more before giving it a final go–seems to want to be all about deeply felt characters moving through a series of actions driven by their own characters.
  3. My urge as a writer is to let my characters be happy, and feel stuff, and sort of transcend. But I’ve found that fiction requires difficulties. I have to constantly remind myself to throw difficulties at them. New characters and bad choices can help in this regard.
  4. I didn’t set out at all to write a book that required much in the way of research–rather I wanted to try to write about the stuff I already knew and loved and cared something about–but I have found it necessary to research the following: the 1994 World Cup, mid-90s hip hop, the 1988 Orioles (false start that won’t wind up in the novel), very tall people and their medical problems, 1994 Baltimore, 1994 Norfolk, Virginia, and 1994 Cumberland, Maryland, balsa wood, hang gliders (another false start), and the making of pants.

I’m in the throes of a third draft. I feel better about this one. It’s harder work than the first two but it is, I hope, because I’m getting in there and doing the heavy work of figuring out my characters and figuring out effective plots and figuring out how to make these three people in my head come alive, both beautifully and whatever it is opposite.

Doing drugs on the beach in the winter

A new one, a short one, up at Full Grown People, an online creative nonfiction magazine that consistently puts out great writing.

A sports-talk show spirals quickly out of control

This one was especially satisfying. I’ve been trying McSweeney’s Internet Tendency for, and this is a little embarrassing, 10 years. I finally made them laugh. If there are any other writers out there who’ve been trying the same publication for a long time and who finally break through, I’d love to hear from you. Keep at it. Eventually you’ll hit it just right.

Maybe America

Maybe America’s like a really great treehouse you build way out in the woods away from the parents where the kids can try to be their best selves. And despite some pretty bad mistakes, they mostly try to make it so that everyone gets a turn sleeping in the treehouse. Or at least they try to try, or try to try to try. And then a bully, because he wants the treehouse, he comes along and tells them the treehouse is on fire, and that he’s the only one with a garden hose, and half the kids believe him. But the treehouse isn’t on fire, and in fact it’s doing pretty good. (I’ve had one beer, though it was a big one.)

Writing advice

Sometimes it seems like there’s as much good writing advice out there as actual good writing, but that’s OK. Here’s a good one: novelist and short story writer Jim Shepard says: “Follow your weird.”

From Ramona Ausubel’s terrific essay about her path to becoming a writer, up at LitHub: http://lithub.com/how-to-be-a-writer-the-map-is-the-territory/

With only the outer layer of skin from before

From Haruki Murakami’s novel Sputnik Sweetheart:

“So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from us–that’s snatched right out of our hands–even if we are left completely changed, with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to the end of our alotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.”

You Wish to Obtain a Parking Permit for Zone 1

Sometimes stuff gets rejected but it still pleases me. This is a funny one, or is supposed to be. So here it is. 

You have indicated that you wish to obtain a parking permit for Zone 1. First, you are required to present a valid driver’s license, in person, at our office located at 200 Washington Street. Listen carefully, as our hours have changed. Our office is now open only on Thursdays in months ending in “-arch.” On occasion, it is necessary to close our office unexpectedly. Consult our website for updates on these closings. Note that the website is available between the hours of 3 a.m. and 3:45 a.m., and is available only in Spanish. Also note that our website is currently down.

Second, we require proof of your automobile’s current registration. Remember to have
your registration certificate notarized. As of the first of this year, note that the person
notarizing your registration certificate must be certified with the State Board of Authorized Notaries. To verify that the notary notarizing your certificate is certified, complete Form 999995.6K&. This form must be notarized. Note that this form is currently unavailable.

Listen carefully to instructions in regard to payment, as these have recently changed. You must make out your check or money order to The Department of Transportation and Parking Enforcement, Regulation, and Taxation: Permitting, Administrative, and [unintelligible]. Note that this department no longer exists. Note that we no longer accept checks. Money orders must be notarized. Note that due to recent budget cuts, staff members handling money orders are currently furloughed and that all applications containing money orders cannot be processed. Money orders must be for exact amounts.

Note also that we have issued the maximum allotted number of parking permits for Zone 1 and that applications are currently closed. If you wish to be added to the waitlist, visit our website. Note that the waitlist is available only to those applicants who have completed forms 100-T, 100-TT, and 100-EZ, available at the public library branch most inconvenient to you. Note that all public libraries are currently permanently temporarily closed.

Finally, note that Zone 1 has been absorbed by Zone 2. If you wish to apply for a Zone 2 permit, hang up and listen to this recording again. Goodbye.