I’m Bob from the Bob’s Red Mill Grain Bags at Whole Foods, and All I Want to Do Is Fucking Murder a Whole Family-size Bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

(Something not-serious I wrote about Bob from Bob’s Red Mill grains.)

By Seth Sawyers

Hi, I’m Bob, the friendly, white-bearded fellow in the newsboy cap from those bags of Bob’s Red Mill grains that you see in your local Whole Foods. I love making Organic Unbleached White All Purpose or Whole Wheat Pastry flours as much as I ever did, but, frankly, I’ve got to make an admission to you. Right now, as I run my fingers through this burlap sack of Gluten Free Organic Old Fashioned Rolled Oats, the only thing I want to do is fucking murder a whole bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.Bobs-Red-Mill-1-3

Don’t get me wrong. When I started this little company decades ago, with my lovely wife, Charlee, I saw a need both in the marketplace and in families’ cupboards for wholesome, healthy, whole-grain flours, oats, and cereals. And right now, as I’m writing this, there is a similar need, in my stomach, for an entire fucking family-size bag of bright-red, 100% non-organic, 100% GMO, 100% fucking awesome Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

I know what you’re thinking. How could Bob, from Bob’s Red Mill, whose smiling, gentle face I see in the grains, sugars, and spices aisle at my high-end organic-focused grocery store, a man who has dedicated his professional life to making my breads, pies, cakes, and cookies more wholesome and delicious, insist on a product composed of factory-farmed “corn,” hydrogenated oils, and chemicals with names longer than a row of western New York State buckwheat? To that I would say: have you ever fucking had a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto? Great. Multiply that by like fucking 800 and you’ll get an inkling about what the goddamn fuck I’m getting at.

Would it help my case or hurt it to let you know that I am ROCK HARD over here? I am Bob from Bob’s Red Mill grains, and I look like Santa Claus’s younger brother who almost graduated from seminary college, and I wear a blue newsboy cap, and I am ROCK HARD just thinking about eviscerating an 8.5-ounce bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

Now, before you misunderstand me, let me just allay your fears about my current stance on Bob’s Red Mill specifically and whole-grain baking generally. I was an eater long before I ground my first kernel of rye. I love how whole-grain, organic bread tastes, how it brings my community and family of five children and sixteen grandchildren together here in beautiful Milwaukie, Oregon. Heck, I even love how whole-grain bread feels in my mouth as I chew! But let me be clear: right now I don’t give a fuck about any of that fucking shit. Flamin’ Hot Cheetos essentially motherfucking lacerate your gums, especially when you eat a whole fucking bag of them, bought from Dollar General, washed down with a two-liter of Mountain Dew Pitch Black, while binge-slamming a whole seas-o of Dawson’s Creek. Motherfuckers.

Let me close by acknowledging again how much of a shock this may come to some of you who, over these years of using our lovingly made products in your Sunday breads, your birthday-party cakes, your elementary school bake sale cookies, have come to think of us here at Bob’s Red Mill as almost a part of your family. We could not be more honored. But just know that, at this moment, if I have to sample one more gluten-free rice flour carob sesame bark treat from our test kitchen across the hall, I will kill everyone. I need the radioactive, toxic, non-biodegradable contents of an enormous fucking bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in my head-hole, and I fucking need it now.

All the best to you and your family! Go fuck yourselves!

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The Best Bar in the World

Might be a tad subjective here but my neighborhood bar is a pretty good bar. Many thanks to River Teeth for including me in such a good (every issue!) creative nonfiction journal. Here’s to The Dizz, here’s to Baltimore, and here’s to your favorite bar being, at best, second-best. Screen Shot 2018-12-25 at 6.03.09 PM.png

The Best Bar in the World – River Teeth

Classic Social Justice Stories Revamped for the Age of Trump 

Fahrenheit 451. The main guy keeps on burning the books until the end because that’s the law and are we going to be a country with laws and if so are we going to follow them? The book ends with everyone standing for the national anthem. 

To Kill a Mockingbird. A haughty New York lawyer is assigned to defend Tom Robinson, a black man in Alabama accused of rape. After it becomes clear that he did not commit the crime and is about to be found not guilty, Robinson casually mentions to the courtroom how relieved he is that finally the public recognizes that the lives of black people ought to matter just as much as any other. Robinson is immediately found guilty and sent to prison. The book ends as the entire courtroom stands for the national anthem. 

All the President’s Men. Nixon stays in office because it’s The Washington Post which is clearly proto-fake news and Nixon keeps the US in Vietnam through 1976 and beyond. The story ends with Nixon discovering Barack Obama’s actual birth certificate, which states he was born in Mexico and that his father is Osama bin Laden. 

Gandhi. Gandhi is a crisis actor. 

Erin Brockovich. The people with cancer are crisis actors. 

Back to the Future II. Biff, hero casino magnate with hands of normal size, runs for president and vows to make the future great again but is continually hampered in his efforts by Robby McMueller, a politically motivated nasty investigator person. Biff beats the rap and wins over the public by just generally telling it how it is. The movie ends with Robby McMueller not standing for the national anthem. 

12 Angry Men. The other way around, where there’s one juror who wants to convict and he convinces the other 11 to convict based on racial prejudice and also the jurors are even more all white and more all men. The movie ends with all twelve very white very male men standing for the national anthem. 

The Bible. Everything’s the same except that contractors don’t get paid. 

A big one, huge in scope, heartbreaking

This one is just jam-packed with a tenderness, and empathy, and sadness. It’s huge in scope, time-wise, in terms of narrators, and in its humanity. It’s taken me a long time to read this, but I’m glad I stuck with it. Some amazing passages of deep inner-character diving, and enough story to keep you going. the nix

One of those books where, with 30 pages left, you’re not sure how he’s going to make it all come together in any kind of satisfying way, but you trust that he will. And it’s funny, too. It deserves the high praise, and the sales figures.

Kellyanne Conway Mistakenly Sends an Email about Non-dairy Creamer to the Entire White House

By Seth Sawyers

 

From: Kellyanne Conway

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

Hi there, Whitney. What’s the deal with the non-dairy creamer? Are we totally out, or what?

Thanks,

KAC

***

From: Jeff Sessions

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

Sent to me in error. Please recuse me from this email thread.

***

From: Sarah Huckabee-Sanders

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

I have answered this question numerous times, Kellyanne, and, frankly, I wish we’d move on.

***

From: Anthony Scaramucci

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

**Out of office alert**

Busy.

A.S.

***

From: Ivanka Trump

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

Please remove me from this thread.

Sincerely,

Ivanka Trump

“The apostle of beauty thus becomes the apostle of truth.”– W.E.B. DuBois

***

From: Reince Priebus

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

**Out of office alert**

I am currently out of the office. Have a great day!

***

From: Jared Kushner

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

I have no interest in the content of this email thread. Remove.

***

From: John Kelly

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

Please, everyone, stop replying all. (Hi, Jared!)

Regards.

John Kelly

Chief of Staff, White House

***

From: Stephen Miller

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

sTOP rEPLYING aLL

***

From: Ben Carson

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

While I am honored to be included, for once, on an email such as this, I do not believe I own the requisite knowledge nor experience to adequately respond to your question.

Thanks, 

Ben Carson, M.D.

HUD Secretary (which is a cabinet-level position, in the U.S. government)

***

From: Scott Pruitt

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

On a plane right now but no more reply alls.

~ Please remember to print out this email before you read it but DO NOT recycle it.

***

From: Hope Hicks

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

**Out of office alert**

I am out of the office. If your need is urgent, my backup is President Donald Trump (but please keep your request brief).

***

From: Mike Pence

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

There’s plenty of creamer in the third cupboard to the right of the sink, first shelf, although it could be the second shelf.    I’ll go and check right now.    Yes, I was right the first time. It’s on the first shelf.    But leave some for me!    (I just love the stuff!    It’s divine on top of dry oatmeal!     Don’t tell Karen!)

***

From: Steve Bannon

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

**Out of the office alert**

I am out of the office. The mainstream media is the opposition party.

 

***

From: Kellyanne Conway

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

Sorry, y’all. My brain is mush today! While my fingers were typing “non-dairy creamer” what I meant to ask about were the grand jury affidavit forms. Found them! Still warm from the printers! Yum!

***

From: Donald Trump

To: White House_All

Subject: Creamer

 

I am receiving these e-mails in Error!!!!!!!! (SAD) Please Remove me…………

Donald Trump

President, America

@realDonaldTrump

***

From: Donald Trump, Jr.

To: White House_All; “Russia”

Subject: Creamer

 

Hey, guys, we really do need to cc Moscow on everything. Copying them.

Thanks,

DTJr.